I wanted to create a new blog. A real diary. And a diary is not usually something you let your mother or mother-in-law read. It's doubtful they'd be able to find this, at least I hope so. There are lots of things going on in my life and I just need a place to vent them. I don't feel I gave anyone to talk to, but yet it always feels better to let it out. And so, this new blog.
The first issue is infertility. What a lonely road that is. The only people who get it are those who have gone through it. I hear how common it is, especially at my age, and yet I see all these people popping out kids like there's no tomorrow! Some of them don't deserve to have kids - on drugs, no partners, broken homes, no money or future, etc. And then, there are people like one of my friends who don't even really want kids! Really?! Why are you doing it then?! She is so concerned about her labour and some of the other stupid medical things along the way, but I don't think she has given any thought to what comes after. It just seems unfair. I have a great job, loving husband and family, and have so much love to give. Why is it so hard for someone who is deserving and willing, and ridiculously easy for others?
It doesn't help that our lives are so busy. How does one properly time sex with call, post call, and everything else? And having two people with crazy schedules makes it worse. Maybe we aren't trying hard enough? Maybe if we really wanted it we'd make time? I can't make my husband do anything. After 18 years, this I've learned.
Ok, I have to admit that we have one child. She was born after taking fertility drugs with lots of side effects. I know our lives will be that. Ugh crazier with two, and so if I must be honest, I a bit hesitant. Yes, we time things and work at it, ahem. I wen went as far as taking drugs again, with no result. I'm just not sure how far we should take it. When the fertility clinic called to give us an appointment, I panicked! Am I really ready to do this again? Is this really what we want? So, I made the appointment for a month and a half away. That way we can "try" some more, and give it some thought. Who knows? Maybe we'll be lucky! I doubt it. I'd have a better chance of winning the lottery.
Anyway, enough personal information for one night. A big beginning to a new blog. I hope this is as cathartic as I want it to be.
